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Tuesday, January 24, 2012

I'm alive and living

About six months ago, during the height of my anxiety attacks, Marty, out of frustration and a sense of helplessness, asked,

“Melissa, if you are acting like this over something that might happen, what are you going to do when something really bad does happen?"

Last Wednesday, something really bad did happen.

So what did I do?

I cried-- loud, heaving, snotty sobs.

I sat--in shocked silence.

I screamed--in anger, in pain, in despair.

I wrote-- to unload the pain.

I drank--lots of coffee--because I could.

I hugged-- my babies-- tightly.

I played--silly games with them on the floor.

I read--to them, with both in my lap, just like we do every day.

I took--the week off work.

I walked--numbly back into the doctor’s office to have one last ultrasound to be sure.

I snapped --at the well-meaning doctor who tried to console me with “information” I already knew because I'm obsessed smart enough to research the causes of miscarriage on my own.

I hugged--the nurse who knew just what to say.

I slept--through the procedure.

I ate.

I rested.

I loved-- on my babies.

I rested.

I loved-- on my babies.

I stayed--awake through the night, unable to sleep for the movie playing in my head.

I cried--silently as to not wake up Marty.

I showered and dressed--most days.

I read--your comments, emails, messages--even if I didn’t respond.

I found--some comfort in knowing people care.

I went-- on a date with my husband.

I ate--sushi and drank wine like only a non-pregnant woman can do.

I smiled (and maybe even laughed).

I cringed--as a man sitting in front of us at the hockey game randomly asked, “Y’all going to have any more kids? You need three. Three is the perfect number.”

I agreed--to go out after the game to a bar with friends.

I attended--a meeting on Saturday for work and didn’t cry.

I planned-- a family vacation for early February.

I bought--two books and a pair of running shoes.

I fought-- with my husband.

I put--the babies in the bed with me just because I wanted to feel them next to me.

I prayed--although I don’t remember what I said.

I cooked-- dinner.

I took--the babies to one of those bounce houses and didn't run behind them with hand sanitizer.

I cleaned out--my hope chest and threw away years worth of junk that had been (emotionally) weighing me down.

I answered--the phone when a friend called (finally).

In short,

I lived.


I’m not ready to make some grand pronouncement about all things being turned to good in time through the power of…

I am not tying this story into a nice package with a happy ending.

I am not claiming that I have come to terms with my anger, my disappointment, or my loss.

What I can say is that life hasn’t stopped. In the midst of “something bad,” I just kept moving.

And, for that, I am grateful--

for the opportunity to wake up, stretch my body, hug my family, move, and live.

Because MaMe is always so much more than any one event, tomorrow I have promised myself that I will turn the proverbial page and bring back a little more cute and a little less serious. I hope you'll click over tomorrow to enjoy a little something I am going to call, "Makes Me Smile like Peas and Cheese." Seriously, it's going to funny :-)

16 comments:

Johanna said...

I've been thinking about you a lot. I'm glad you are feel ing {a little} better. Big virtual hugs sent your way.

RoryBore said...

it's amazing how life can just roll on around you, when you just want to curl up and yell "stop!" but it's the strength we all carry inside. happy to see you finding yours again.

been keeping you in my prayers, and will continue to do so.

Sam said...

love.

Just Another Mom of Twins said...

You have been on my mind and I am so happy to "hear" from you. I am even more "happy" that you are still "living"...sending you lots of HUGS my friend...LOTS!!

christina said...

beautiful update. ::huge huge HUGE hugs::

can't wait for peas and cheese!

Tami @ Not Just a HOCKEY MOM said...

You are a strong woman and soon you will not just be "living" you will be "living happily".

Tasha said...

SO, SO happy to see this post. I have been thinking about you. And if I had had your number I think I would have called. You could have hung up on me, but I just wanted to check on you. Amazing how a blogging friend feels like a...well, a friend. I will be watching for your post tomorrow. I hope you have a good day. Oh BTW sushi sounds so good right now!!!

Miss Megan said...

I'm so glad to hear that you are still "living". I am also glad you took a week off work and did what you needed to to help yourself "cope", for lack of a better way of saying it.
I've been thinking about you A LOT the last several days, and I'm happy to hear that you are doing okay. No one expects you to just turn the page and everything will be rainbows and butterflies again. It just doesn't work that way. It ALWAYS takes me a while after a m/c to come to terms with it and then be okay with moving on. Take the time you need. I will still be reading regardless of what you post =).

jen@ living a full life said...

Thought about you every day you were gone...glad your back, missed you!

Samantha said...

I'm glad to see that you're back. We don't expect you to just "turn the page". I can't imagine what you're going through, take all the time you need.

Always Heather said...

Love

Olusola said...

:) if you live next to me, I'd be loving up on you with plenty of hugs right now. This morning I was just thinking of the kids that live only in the hearts of their mothers (and fathers). We miss them sometimes and wonder and wish. Our babies will always have their footprints on our hearts. I wish you peace and healing my friend... one day at a time

Awn said...

Living is good, even when it feels like it's play-acting. It sounds like you ARE living, which is all we can do. It's always nice to know that when I stop by to see what you have to say that I'll get the real story!

Diana said...

I have had you and your family on my mind. Like everyone else, I am glad to hear that you are taking one day at a time. I can only offer my prayers and my sympathy (and a shoulder to lean on if you ever need it). People say time heals all wounds... But I know your precious Emily Bee and Drew Bear must help in that healing, too. You are an awesome mother who, though dealt a really shitty card, will get through this. All my love and prayers, D.

Beth said...

You've been on my mind and in my prayers. I'm glad to hear that you have continued living.
I'm glad that you allowed yourself to really mourn. Sometimes we feel like we need to power through things, rather than letting ourselves feel the pain. Mourning is painful, but necessary to get to the other side.
Keep living and keep takinf whatever time you need. Hugs to you!!!!

Kathy Radigan said...

Love you!!

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